I Asked for This

I started this post back in November. I put a lot of heart into it. I really searched my brain for words that can convey what I am feeling. I'm not a very expressive person, so I just gave up. It was eating up too much emotional energy. But now I decided to finish what I started.

November 2010:

"Focus on Special Needs!"
"Guest speaker in the auditorium today during lunch will talk about special needs. Anyone who is interested is invited!"

That is what I read on the signs hanging in the hallways and in my eleventh grade classroom. Each month, our school had a different "Focus" on an aspect of chesed such as kiruv, chesed at home, and special needs. There were projects done, articles and poems handed out, goals set and met, speakers invited... all part of the experience.

 {June 2011}

I was pretty interested in special needs. Our school had regular visits from schools like Otsar, HASC and Beis Ezra. We did fun activities together- about 10 - 15 girls were signed up to participate, and I was one of them.

So on that afternoon, I gathered my sandwich and headed off to the auditorium. This was a topic that I liked, and I was looking forward.
I don't remember most of the speech, but one part I will never forget. The speaker quoted a statistic of how many children are born with genetic or chromosomal disorders. And then she translated it into practical terms.

"Ten of you girls sitting in this room will likely have a child with special needs." I don't remember how many girls there were, and I don't remember the number she quoted. But what I do remember is feeling:
How many of these girls would really accept a child who is different? 
And how many would accept this child happily? 
Who here will be devastated with the news? 
And who will give their child up for adoption? That's not likely, is it? Especially since they are all interested enough in this topic to come to this speech. 
What kind of start will these children have if they are born to someone who needs time to come to terms with the child's condition?

 {June 2011}

That's when I thought to myself... if there are ten neshamos waiting to be distributed among ten choice girls in this room, I'd like to be chosen. I know I will accept the baby. I know I will love unconditionally. Hashem, I think I am up to the task of raising a special needs child. Let me be one of the ten.

So yes, I did ask for it.

{June 2011}

All throughout high school I worked with individuals with special needs. Not just kids, but adults, too. (So I wasn't just enamored with all the cute kids running around being funny, adorable kids. I knew kids with SN would grow up to be adults with SN.) All the people who visited our school were medium to high functioning. And that's all I knew about. I didn't know there were other people that were affected much more severely by their condition.

{June 2011}

So I guess I did get what I am able to handle.

What helps me understand my role in mothering a special needs daughter is to first realize that I didn't lose anything. I didn't lose a typical daughter, a daughter for whom I bought shoes she isn't able to wear, a daughter whose wedding I was planning... I didn't lose it.

What my daughter has isn't a cold or a stomach upset or even a heart defect. It's not something which you can take away and be left with a healthy child. My daughter, like any of your kids, IS whole. It's in her genes, and she is presenting exactly what her genes are coding. Which is pretty cool! ;)

 {June 2011}

But truly, if G-d wouldn't have given my daughter to me, or yours to you, they would have been born to a different family. That's the way I choose to understand it. The choices aren't: a)get baby girl with syndrome b)get baby girl without syndrome. They are a)get baby girl with syndrome b)someone else gets this baby girl with syndrome.

{June 2011}

To me it's not even a question! I'm glad my daughter was born into our family.
It is what I asked for, after all. :)

{June 2011}