Accepting it with Grace

This post is raw and real and was hard for me to write. I don't know understandable it is... but, it is what it is.
Today we are heading to the geneticist once again. I have been there many times, but have not gone since right after Pesach. That's almost five months. I made the decision to take a little break, although I didn't sit down and decide that. It just happened. And it was good for me to forget a little.

Now we are going back. It's after midnight. I can't sleep. I'm writing up posts about our summer fun to distract myself. I'm listening to upbeat music. But still, the dread is there. As soon as I allow myself to think about it, my insides start shaking and my eyes get moist. And then I wonder... I thought I had accepted it with a full heart. I thought I was okay. I mean, I have it so good.

I thought that the poem I wrote last winter does not reflect my feelings anymore. I thought I was past that.

Looking at you;

Your deep, baby blue eyes,

What is it I see?

What is real? A disguise?

I know what I see,

Yet confused I am still.

Will it all turn out well?

It must, so it will.

Your eyes twinkle joyfully

Right back at me.

I don't know what it is

That I'm trying to see.

There is doubt, there is hope.

There is fear. And there's love.

And a prayer, and a prayer

Finds its way above.

Life is filled with busy, fun days.

Again I look at your sweet, happy face.

A glance

A chance

All doubts are erased.

Just look forward in life,

Accept it with grace.

And yet, as I cuddle

Your soft little frame,

I stroke your round cheek,

And whisper your name,

I can't help but wonder

What will be tomorrow.

And I promise, you, baby,

You shall never know sorrow.

I wrote this poem, but wasn't ready to share it with people I actually knew. I posted it on a special needs forum I am part of and the editor of Spirit! magazine, who also posts there, asked me if she could publish it. It's in the Spring 2010 issue. Now I feel somewhat more ready to put myself out there.

(Baby's not mine. lol.)

So I guess this is not something I will "outgrow" anytime soon. There will always be a delicate balance of  looking curiously into the future, trying to get a glimpse of what life will be like for us... and taking every moment of the here and now, ignoring whatever may or may not be. A balance of acceptance and ... hm. Acceptance vs. fear? longing? pain? I'm not sure myself, and I imagine it will be a long time before I get it figured out.

For now, I'll just strap on my baby carrier, watch Adi's eyes light up with glee as she raises her arms, "Aaahp!" and daven that this geneticist visit will be the one.